It’s true.

I do not have any books left.

OK, I’m being overdramatic. I do have about fifteen books left in my possession.

When you compare that to the six hundred or so I did own, until very recently, it feels like none at all.

I sold a large chunk of my books to World Of Books, I really recommend their app if you’re looking to do a clear out - this isn’t an advert - I just found scanning the barcodes into the app a very simple process and they came to collect them all too which made it really easy.

I took the ones that couldn’t be sold to my local second-hand bookshop and others got dropped to charity shops or given to friends.

I really, really struggled to let them go. I am very attached to my possessions. I crave things. I love the sensation of finding something I want and adding it to my basket. I love seeing the ‘your order has been shipped’ nestled amongst my emails.

I am a big shopper. I get so excited by stuff.

Whether it is needed or not.

When a parcel arrives in the post for me I light up with excitement.

I hoard pointless crap like it’s going to disappear if I don’t and it’s a problem.

I have always been uncomfortable with my urge to buy things and I suspect there is an emotional angle in there… I’ve had four years of therapy, it’s always linked to your emotions.

However, once I learned about my brain and how it works. I realised it’s the dopamine I get from buying and unpacking stuff. It’s exciting and it makes me feel good. It’s an instant dopamine boost for someone who’s brain is constantly in need of that good feelings rush.

It’s a shortcut to a burst of happiness. But it’s temporary.

It’s a fleeting happiness and I don’t think it’s very healthy.

Now, I didn’t decide to better myself and take the moral high road and get rid of my belongings. I simply have too, we are moving into van in the coming months and we simply cannot fit a whole two bedroom house worth of belongings into a 4 berth van.

Pretty much everything has had to go.

I now own two chest of drawers worth of clothes, one drawer for winter and one for summer and another drawer filled with my “stuff” a cosmetic bag with my makeup, lotions and perfume. And a bag with my shoes in. My snorkel and ski equipment. Oh, and a small plastic pot of my jewellery.

Asides from that fairly short list of things, I have nothing left. I have a small suitcase which will be stored away at a relatives so if any of my clothes break or need switching out I’ve got some backups.

It’s pretty scary and I do often stop and look around our house, take a big gulp of air and start facing down scary thoughts such as “what if I don’t want to live in the van anymore? What will I sleep on without my bed? Where will I curl up without my sofa? What if I need somewhere to store my clothes? WHAT IF I NEED MORE CLOTHES???

Back to the books.

I love books. If you’ve been here a while you’ll know that I used to own an independent bookshop in Ramsgate and am a voracious reader. I cruise through an average of four books a week and reading simply makes me happy.

However, it’s just not practical to cart physical books around the world in the back of van, we don’t have the space and we also don’t have the money to be spending on physical books. This does sadly mean I’ve had to revert to a kindle (ew, I know) - it was that or not read at all and I can’t take that option, I’d cry.

As horrendous as it was to get rid of all my belongings it was also incredible freeing.

Once I accepted that my happiness is not created by stuff, and that whilst I might treasure the stuff, it doesn’t make up who I am and I will not lose anything by letting go of them. It was a lot easier.

In fact, by making space, I’ll have made space for the happiness that I seek. I will be less distracted and less crowded which will give my brain the room it needs to focus on the small things, those little tiny things that actually make me happy in a much more lasting way.

You know, like sunsets, how f*cking beautiful are sunsets? Why am I being distracted by crap I bought off the internet, that I didn’t even need, when sunsets exit and they happen EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Or, when you laugh so hard you snort. How good does it feel inside when someone, or something, makes you laugh so hard that you start snorting. Laughter is contagious and gives you such a rush of happiness, and often love or care for the person that’s making you laugh.

There are so many beautiful moments in life, that happen every single day, and we often are so distracted and our brains have been so bombarded that we don’t even notice the beauty that is right there waiting to be appreciated.

Now that the panic has passed, I feel full of excitement about my potential ability to now notice these moments, the space I’ve created that I want to feel with wholesome and real things.

Things that I haven’t been influenced to buy at two in the morning after being on my phone scrolling for five hours.

Also full disclosure: now I’ve adapted to the idea of getting rid of everything I’m actually getting a dopamine rush from getting rid of the stuff. Ka-ching!

Speak soon,

Saph xxx

Just a note… I’m writing this at 5.27am, I’m a fairly literate person or I like to think I am and I have tried my hardest to ensure my grammar and spelling are all correct but there may be some mistakes. I do apologise if I’ve missed anything and I do ask for your forgiveness. I work nights and my brain is like mush 70% of the time. We can’t win all the time, so I accept defeat when it comes to nailing my grammar. Thanks!